British Time Rush
by BTRHortenseWINS
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Big Time Rush would be like if everyone were stereotypically European? No? Well...too bad! Pour yourself some tea and put on your petticoat and top hat as we read this Brit-filled retelling of some of Big Time Rush's most famous episodes!
1. Big Time Polite Boy

**Big Time Polite Boy, a parody of Big Time Bad Boy**

* * *

"This new song o' ours is simply brill." Kendall said after the end of a rehearsing session.

Gustavo looked at the boys for a moment, rolling his eyes at such obviousness. "Oi, 'course it's brill – I wrote it. But this band be missin' somethin', somethin' important."

"Quite so – I assume you mean our lack of scarves?" James said, holding up a brown scarf striped with greens, purples, and reds.

"Or is it...how you people say...scones?" Carlos spoke with a Spanish accent.

Hortense had a distinct French accent. "Izzit colourful pants? Please don't zey colourful pants."

"Nae!" Gustavo shouted, "I am referring to the polite boy! The young lad who knows his dif'rent flavors of tea. Who knows which fork ta use on a salad o' on a steak. I be referring to the young lad who can waltz an' knows the proper etiquette when meetin' the queen." He walked up to Kendall, who regarded him suspiciously. "...An' I think it should be Kendall."

"Wot?" Kendall asked, surprised. "Why me? Why do we even need a polite boy?"

Gustavo looked at Miss Kelly who picked up her phone and pressed the voicemail button. Griffin's distinct Brooklyn accent voice shot out of the receiver. "_Ay Gustav – we need a 'polite boy' in yo' vocal group or youse is fired._"

"Griffin didn't even say goodbye when he hung up?" James noted, "That was simply rude of him."

"Americans always be drivin' me bonkers. But he's right – come take a look 'ere." Gustavo said, taking the vocal group down the hallway and motioning to the posters mounted on the wall.

"Look a' BoyQuake. Three gentlemen smilin' next ta each other. But see the fourth laddie standin' off ta the side 'ere and holdin' a cup o' tea? That's the polite boy."

He then walked to the poster across the hall featuring the vocal group Boy Blast. "Lookie 'ere at the fourth boy once more. Smilin', holding a cup o' tea, and dressed impeccably."

"My scarves alone are much classier than what he's wearing." James muttered, but went unheard as Miss Kelly took one of the posters off the wall, revealing a overly polite-looking vocal group named The Brit Blokes.

"There can only one polite boy in each vocal group, however. Too many and you can't sell a single record."

"But, Miss Kelly, we are all nice guys here." Kendall said.

Carlos leaned on the wall, taking out a single red rose from seemingly nowhere. "Si – we are all nice men. Especially to the ladies." He then smiled and presented the rose to Kelly, who looked at him like he was deranged.

"And we all dress fashionably well!" James said, "Well, except for Hortense at least, but we cannot all be perfection."

"Hey! Berets are cool!"

"True, but that ascot and 'Where's Wally?' striped shirt is not."

"Lads." Gustavo said, commanding their attention once more. "None o' you four is polite enuf ta be th' polite boy of th' group – tis simple as that. So, we have added a fifth member onto your entourage."

"A fifth member?" Kendall gasped, "What are we, those blasted One Direction folks from the States, now?"

"One Direction may have captured the hearts of the North American chicas, but they have yet to conquer all of the sexy Brazilians from across the borders..." Carlos said, looking wistfully into the distance while plucking petals off the rose one by one. "If we need a gente maja on our team to help us get famoso, then so be it. The quicker we become famous, the quicker I can find my very own mamacita."

"See? Carlos is being quite positive." Miss Kelly said. "And we've already picked your fifth member."

"We don't have any choice in this?" Kendall asked, chagrined.

James agreed. "I don't find that to be very polite at all."

"I'm yer manager – I'm not 'ere ta be polite." Gustavo said. He then looked down the hallway. "Ah, here comes yer new group member."

The four boys turned their heads, taking a gander at the sight before them. Walking down the hall was a boy dressed in an iron-pressed schoolboy outfit. His tan slacks complimented the dark suit he was wearing. He had Harry Potter-esque glasses and combed-down brown hair. He smiled at the small crowd before him as he pushed a cart of tea down the hallway.

"Lads, meet Nigel Huntington, yer new bandmate."

Nigel flashed a sincere smile at the four dumbstruck lads. "Good day to you – what are your names if I may ask?"

Carlos threw his rose to the ground and took a few steps towards the new arriver. "My name is Carlos Antonio Roberto Pedro Julio Ricardo Guadalupe Garcia. I am one spicy Madrileño, and you may call me Carlos."

James took the simple route. "I'm James Tennant Diamond."

"Hortense Jacques Mitchell."

"Sir Kendall Donovan Knight. My friends call me Kendall."

Nigel spoke. "Well, Kendall - "

"Nay – I say only friends can call me Kendall." He said sourly.

Nigel's bright smile never waned. "Alri' then,_ Sir _Kendall and ye other blokes – whuddya like a spot o' tea?"

Without waiting for an answer, the new boy poured six cups of tea. He handed the first one to Miss Kelly, then gave everyone else their share. He even brought crumpets to nosh on.

Big Time Rush didn't like Nigel one bit.

* * *

"Katherine, you simply must find some girls your age to play with."

"Mother, I prefer to be called 'Katie'. Katherine makes me sound humble and sophisticated – both of which I am not."

Lady Knight shook her head an sighed. "My dear – do you not remember that we are descended from the very first knights in existence? You yourself are named after Queen Catherine!"

"Yes, however Catherine of Argon was a stubborn fool who didn't really do much. I was only named 'Katherine' to fit with the odd 'K' naming scheme we have, and you know it."

"Even so, you are descended from greatness, and all great ladies have friends. Here," Lady Knight started to wave someone over. "I have someone I would like you to meet."

A girl who looked to be about Katie's age skipped to Lady Knight's side and smiled at Katie. "Hi, I'm Noelle Annabelle! I'd love to play with you!"

"How about this afternoon after tea time?" Lady Knight asked.

"Sounds ace. Seeya later!"

Katie watched Noelle leave, then faced her mother. "I don't like her."

"Don't be rude. You cannot judge a book by its cover, child."

"Did you see her striped shirt and beret? I believe she's French!"

"Hortense is French, but he is still a fine young man. You mustn't judge people by where they come from – you can hurt a lot of feelings that way."

Both girls heard a sudden shrill scream from the other side of the pool. A man with oversized jeans, a white shirt with an eagle pictured on it, and a bandana sporting the letters 'USA' in red, white, and blue colors brandished an axe in his hands. "THIS IS FOR AMERICA!" He screamed, throwing the axe down.

"The _colonies_!" Lady Knight screamed, partially in disgust. She grabbed her daughter and dragged her away from the scene in great haste.

Mr. Bitters walked over, looking at the man holding the axe in confusion. "Couldn't jou have cut ze grass with le lawnmower instead, Bandana Bob?"

"You said you wanted me to cut the grass, just not _how_." Bandana Bob replied. He then swung his axe once more, " 'MURICA!" He yelled, bringing it to the overgrown ground and chopping the grass with great precision. "USA! USA!"

* * *

"My darling, what are you doing here in the lobby all by yourself?"

"First of all, Carlos...don't call me that." Katie said. She looked at her brother when answering. "Mother is trying to make me be acquaintances with some random girl named Noelle."

"What seems to be the problem, then?"

"The problem is...I believe Noelle is _French_."

Everyone except for Hortense gasped in horror. The boy rolled his eyes, "I'm ztanding right here, jou know."

"I'm also standing right here!" Another voice exclaimed. Camille had appeared out of nowhere, dressed in an American colonial outfit. "Do not worry a thing, I didn't get the part." She said when everyone stared at her outfit in horror. "Apparently, only men served in the colonial war – who would know such a thing?"

"I do believe that we all knew that." James dryly said, "Even Hortense."

"Hey, I am zmarter than all of jou!"

"Yes, but you also eat snails..." Carlos said. He donned the black sombrero he was famous for as he dramatically sighed and whispered, "What a strange, non-sexy culture..."

"Le _HEY_! We have plenty of ze zexy!"

"I do believe so." Camille agreed, "However, you shall never catch me eating Escargot."

"I believe that Escargot is a lovely cultural food." A new voice added. The boys all groaned when they recognized who it was.

"Pray tell, what business do you have here, Nigel?" Kendall deadpanned.

Nigel merely grinned. "I'm here to deliver a message from Griffin." He pulled out his mobile and pressed 'play'. Out shot Griffin's garishly accented voice.

"_Yo, Big Time Flush or Rush or whatevah ya call yoselves. I realized that five members is too much, so we gonna have a polite boy off, ya see? Meet me at Rocque Records at four._"

"Four!?" James gasped, "But tea time is at four!"

"Rude, simply rude." Camille agreed. She then looked at Nigel. "Hey - knock me down with a feather – it's Wayne Wayne!"

"Wayne Wayne?" The boys repeated at once.

"Oh, yes, Wayne Wayne and I used to be on a delightful North American TV programme back when we were in Year 7 all the way to Year 9...or 'Middle School' as those Americans call it."

"American?" Katie inquired, "So this guy's a Yank, then?"

Nigel spoke again, this time dropping his British accent and adopting an American one. "Okay, ya caught me – I'm a 'yank', or whatever you British people call us."

"We've been diddled!" Kendall gasped.

"What are you, some sort of nark?" James accused, "An unfashionable Yankee nark?

"I don't know what any of that means!" Nigel exclaimed, "You English people have such weird words and accents."

"I zey jou are ze one wit' the weird azzent!" Hortense responded.

Nigel rolled his eyes at him. "Says the guy wearing a 'Where's Waldo?' shirt. Look, one of you guys are going to be kicked off of the band. And I say it's French-boy."

"Why does everyone hate ze French!?"

"I don't!" Camille said, somewhat duckily. "But Wayne Wayne, what makes you so sure that you won't be kicked off of the band instead?"

"Because," Nigel said taking out some parchments of paper. "I got myself a contract saying that I have to be in a band. And I choose this one."

Katie pushed through the teenagers and stood in front of Nigel. "A treaty you say?"

Nigel looked at the little girl in slight confusion. "Uh, yeah – if that's what you British people call it, I guess."

Katie smiled. "Simply brill – let me see that." Without waiting even a nary of a second, Katie snatched Nigel's hefty contract out of his hands and ripped it in half. "Oh, apologies. I do not know my own strength, it seems."

Nigel gasped, grabbing his ripped-up contract in terror while everyone else had a jolly good laugh at what just occurred.

"Jou should've known to not trust a British treaty." Hortense said, shaking his head and smiling. "Zey always do ze double-cross!"

"Well...well – there's still the polite-off!" Nigel said, "And once I win, I'll tell Griffin what you guys did to my contract, and you'll _all _be kicked off of the band! I'll be a solo artist! Cheerio, losers." Nigel then walked off with his torn contract in hand.

"Oh bollucks, the polite-off!" James said, "He is very good at pretending to be polite. How shall we ever think of defeating him? My classy scarves and trent coats can only get us so far."

"Don't worry, mates. I've a good plan." Kendall said, somewhat ominously.

* * *

"Gustav! Where the heck are Brit Time Rush?"

"_Big_ Time Rush, Griffin!" Gusatvo corrected "They'll be 'ere pretty soon, jus' wait!"

"It's not even four o'clock yet." Miss Kelly said, checking her watch. "It's only half-three."

"Good boys always arrive early, Gustav, and youse know that." Griffin said. "And dat goody-two-shoes Nigel's been here since three!"

Nigel appeared next to Griffin, smiling. "While waiting for the lovely lads of BTR to show, I've taken the liberty to create more tea. It _is _almost tea time, after all." His faux British accent was in full play while speaking, and he revealed yet another cart of hot, piping tea.

Miss Kelly and Gustavo nearly groaned at the sight.

"He's made way too many cups of tea for us today. Another one and I might just burst." Miss Kelly said.

Gustavo agreed. "Innit so – perhaps there's somethin' as 'too polite'."

It took another twenty minutes before Big Time Rush arrived, but when they did, no one could believe what they saw.

Instead of being dressed in classy slacks like Nigel, they bore ripped jeans. Nigel's suit was expensive – Big Time Rush wore leather jackets and old shirts. Their hair was a mess – Hortense's hair defied gravity as it was gelled to the point of spikiness.

"Wazz the meaning of this?" Griffin said, somewhat amused. "Youse look like how wannabe gangstas dress back in America!"

Kendall smirked, and began to speak in a pitch-perfect American accent. "Well, we're trying to beat One Direction, right? And _they're_ American."

"Si – uh – I mean yes." Carlos said, dropping his Spanish accent for an American one as well. "And to be them, we must become them! And they love sports! Instead of playing Cricket all day, we could play the States' totally fake version of football!"

"Or baseball." James suggested.

"Or hockey!" Hortense suggested.

James gave him a withering glare. "Hockey's_ Canadian_. We can't play that."

"Look, what we're saying is that those Americans aren't looking for some guy obsessed with tea and politeness." Kendall said, bringing the topic back to where it was before. "If we want to be popular in America, we can't someone who likes drinking tea all day in our band."

Griffin seemed to be considering his words. "That'ssa good speech ya got there – but what about ya British fanbase? If youse change yo image like dat, dey not gonna be so happy, ya dig?"

Kendall went back to his original accent. "I say we don't have to change the way we speak. After all, it is proven that Americans love British accents."

"No se olvide Spanish accents, amigo." Carlos said, speaking normally once more. "All the ladies love me."

"They love me more!" James said, "Tall, handsome, British...what more could the ladies want?"

"A Spaniard." Carlos stated simply.

"O' a French boy! Right?" Hortense said, "We're diverse enough already – we don't need ze polite boy!"

"Youse may have a point..." Griffin said. Nigel didn't like where this was going.

He immediately dropped his fake British accent, and looked at Griffin in slight despair. "No, no – I can still be in their band! See? I'm not actually British! I'm American! I can totally appeal to the American audience with my...uh...American-ness..."

Griffin cut his eyes to the boy. "Youse an American?" He asked, "Youse not from England like you said yo weres?"

Kendall smirked, crossing his arms and shaking his head. "Ohh, you should think twice before diddling Griffin."

"What – what does that mean?" Nigel exclaimed, suddenly afraid of the dark look Griffin was giving him.

"I ain't no palooka, ya hear? Ya tryna pull a fast one on me, huh?"

"Umm, no..." Nigel said sheepishly.

"Ah, oui – did jou realise zat his name izn't 'Nigel' but iz 'Wayne Wayne' instead?" Hortense offered, "He's a liar _and _a diddler."

"What does that mean!?" Nigel repeated.

"It _means_ ya is jus' a big, dirty, cheat!" Griffin said, then raised his voice as he addressed the security. "Guards! Take dis kid outta Rocque Records – he ain't allowed here no more!"

Two men dressed in yellow coats and tall, fuzzy hats appeared, grabbing Nigel by the arms. "W-wait! But my contract says I have to be in a band, and - "

"Oi, so sorry Griffin, but my dearest sister 'accidentally' ripped his contract up." Kendall said, not even trying to cover up the fact that he was lying.

Griffin shrugged, not caring as the guards dragged Nigel away, never to be seen in Rocque Records again.

"I guess youse correct – youse don't need no fifth group member after all."

"Righto! And I ne'er doubted you lads, not one bit." Gustavo exclaimed bit too brightly – his lying skills were worse than Kendall's.

"Of course..." Kendall said, pretending to buy what Gustavo had said. "But we shall not be dressing so uncivilly all the time." He tugged on his rugged leather jacket for emphasis. "Although we are up to trying new things, we _won't _change who we are to do so. No matter what, we shall always be the same four Cricket-playing English blokes we've always been."

Griffin conceded. "Fine, we'll have it your way. Maybe the 'British boy band' thing ain't so dead after all."

"Uh, we prefer the term 'vocal group'." James said, "We find it more classy and less barbarish."

"Fine – _vocal group_, then. Whatevs! Griff Griff, out!" Griffin then turned heel and walked away without another word.

"Huh." Miss Kelly said, "That's the closest thing he's ever gotten to a 'goodbye' before. I do believe that he's taking a liking to us."

* * *

The doorbell rang.

"Oh! That must be Noelle!" Lady Knight buzzed happily.

Katie grimaced. "Mum, no! I told you that I want no part of her!"

"But my dear, you must make more friends." Lady Knight said, opening the door. "Besides, you might – AHHH!"

Bandana Bob looked at her oddly. "Uh, I'm here to fix the - "

"The _colonies!_" Lady Knight yelled, grabbing a frying pan out of nowhere and bonking Bandana Bob on the head, causing him to faint.

"Mother! What have you done!?" Katie exclaimed, "He's just the maintenance man!"

"Ehh...wot?" Lady Knight replied, confused at such a notion.

"Hiya, mum!" Kendall said, appearing by the doorframe with his three friends trailing behind. "What's the maintenance man doing on the floor?"

"...Wot?" Lady Knight repeated, still confused.

James walked in with Hortense. "Turn on the telly!" James said. Hortense jumped over to the couch, grabbing the remote. When the TV didn't turn on, he went to the cable box and plugged in a loose switch.

Carlos walked in last, donning his faithful sombrero. "Ahh, Lady Knight – you are as beautiful as ever." He took out another red rose, giving it to the dumbstruck woman.

"Uhh...thanks..." She said, slowly walking over to the television where everyone else sat.

It was on a news channel. Katie looked at the screen in disbelief. "Mum – isn't that your car?"

Everyone watched as little Noelle was caught on camera driving Lady Knight's car down a motorway. The description the News gave was that Noelle was really named Molly Dooley – a forty year old American who poses as a young French girl and steals for a living.

"Daft Americans – always trying to steal what's rightfully ours." Kendall said.

Everyone agreed.

* * *

**Xx**

**I'm an American. **

**I don't know what this story is about, either.**

** I've never been to Europe.**

** I'm truly sorry for any brain cells lost.**

**If you like it/don't like it/want to correct something I got wrong, then please leave a review or something**

**Yeah**

**'MURICA!**


	2. Big Time Löve Queue

**Big Time Löve Queue, a parody of Big Time Love Song**

* * *

"Wot time is it?" Kendall said, facing his three vocal group mates.

"It's tea time!" His friends answered in various European accents before gathering around a free table in the Sherwood Forest Apartment's tea area.

The tea area was a popular hang out spot for teens, especially if they wanted a spot of tea. There were many varieties of teas available – Yorkshire, Typhoo, Tetly, and other brand names that I found on the internet since I know nothing about tea whatsoever.

The greatest part of the tea area however were the queues. Sometimes it took three hours just to get one jam-filled scone from a vendor, and the waiting was the funnest part of all.

The boys had been up since nine A.M waiting in queues for their tea, and were getting ready to nosh down on some lovely crumpets when Carlos spotted three bellezas walking towards the direction of the band.

"Hold on mis compadres, I see three beautiful chicas who should be dying to go on a date with me."

"I respectfully disagree with that!" James said, "They'll sooner date me instead of you."

Hortense glanced at the girls who were walking towards them. "Le Jennifers? Zey only date ze most polite peoples around!" He exclaimed, "Jou have no chance."

"Oh, but I do." Carlos smoothly said, taking out a red rose as The Jennifers walked by him. He offered it to the girls. "I see you ladies at this bar de ligar every day. Let us skip tea time and go have some fun time on our own, hmm?"

The Jennifers were offended by that statement.

"I say! Skip tea time?" The blonde Jennifer spoke in a haughty accent, "How preposterous!"

"How rude!" The brunette Jennifer agreed, "Suggesting to skip tea time is perhaps the most un-polite thing one could possibly do!"

"Tea time is the second most important thing of the day. The first is waiting in queues for the tea!" The final Jennifer stated.

The blonde Jennifer looked over the rejected Carlos's shoulder and saw a vendor selling crumpets. "Come on ladies, I see a two hour-long queue ahead of us. Good day to you, Carlos." She said politely as her and her friends left the scene.

Carlos sat back down in his chair, undeterred. "There are more 'fish in the sea' as you Englishmen say, of course."

"I don't say that." Kendall said, "But I do say that your lollygagging with The Jennifers has cost us our tea time! Look here – everything is cold." He motioned to the chilled cups of tea that were forgotten by the four boys when The Jennifers walked by.

"But Kendall, this means we get to wait in queues some more! I'll get to wear my 'standing in queue' scarf." James said excitedly.

"I guess..."

"Oh, how I wish for a girl who loved standing in queue as much as I do."

"I want ze foreign girl. Jou Englishmen are le annoying." Hortense said rather rudely, but then again, he's a Frenchman.

"I do not care what a girl is like, as long as she's one spicy bombón." Carlos said, then suddenly pointed to the door that led into the Sherwood lobby, "My friends - I see a beautiful young chica that I've never had pleasure viewing before. And let me tell you all that I have viewed _every_ lovely lady that lives here."

By the doorway was a blonde girl with blue eyes who held a stern expression on her face. "Vhy eez everyone standing in ze long lines? Zere should be more vendors if zere are zis many people!" She spoke in a German accent as she pushed her way through the teens who were standing in line. "Ze first zing I'll do vhen I take over ze Sherwoods eez getting rid of all zeese lines!"

Kendall, disgusted by this new girl's behaviour, spoke to her when she attempted to pass by. "Take over the Sherwood Forest Apartments?" He repeated in a disbelieving tone, "And what makes you so sure you'll have that ability?"

"Because I am pureblood, und ze rest of you eez uncultured filth!"

"Pureblood? Hah!" Kendall laughed, "I'm Sir Kendall Knight, descended from the very first knights in existence. And who might you be?"

"Johann Taylöch, from Germany. Ze greatest country un ze planet!"

"Johann is ze boy's name." Hortense commented while eating a frog.

This made the girl slightly blush, "Vell, yes, but sie may call me Jo."

"Jo is still ze boy's name." Hortense said, now eating a plate of snails.

"Eet doesn't matter! I vell take over ze Sherwoods und no one can shtop me!"

"You and what army?" Kendall asked.

"I vill makend ze army!" Jo responded, "But verst I need un less pretty und less intelligent accomplice to do vhatever I zey. You! Vhat's your shtory?" She said, pointing to Camille who was nearby and currently waiting in a line to go somewhere.

"Oh, me?" Camille answered, "I'm simply waiting in the queue to get into queue to wait in queue for some water!"

"Zat's very dumb. You are perfect to be mein henchman. Let's depart!" Jo said, grabbing Camille's arm and pulling her out of line.

Camille gasped. "Oh no, but I have been waiting in that queue for three days!" She complained as Jo dragged her away.

"I like her." James said, pulling out a small blue bag and rummaging through it. "I'm going to find my flirting scarf and ask her out."

"How do jou fit all ze scarfs in that tiny bag?" Hortense wondered as he scarfed down a baguette.

"It's larger on the inside. And come on Hortense, you shouldn't be eating quite so much. You'll get fat."

"Me, fat? Oh, non non non! Only Americans can get fat!"

Kendall rolled his eyes, "If you wish to make fun of the Americans, then go to the 'Anti-American' stand my mother is running in the Sherwood Fun Fair. Right now we have a fake pureblood to take care of."

"How do you know that she's a fake?" James asked while pulling one scarf after another out of his bag.

"She seems pretty real to me." Carlos said, leaning on the table in a magazine-ready pose while his red rose moved slightly in the wind. "Oh, yes, she's pretty real. A pretty real pretty who shall agree to date me by the day's end."

"I disagree your statement!" James bellowed while holding a mountain of scarves in his arms, "I respectfully and politely disagree!"

"Oh? But how can you ask her out if you must go to the doctor's today?"

"The doctors?" Kendall echoed.

"I have a dental appointment today. But my teeth are perfect - see?" James opened his mouth to show off his yellow, cracked teeth.

"How ace!" Kendall exclaimed, "You still have all of your teeth?"

"My mother paid for the highest dentistry, and it shows." James said, "I'll just skip my dentist appointment."

"Oh no you won't." Came Miss Kelly's voice, who just arrived on the scene and had overheard the conversation. "A part of your contract is appearing at your doctor's appointments on time - you need to be healthy while singing on stage. You mustn't blow them off just to chase some girl."

She looked at Carlos and Kendall. "Gustavo wants you two at the studio. And you" She looked at Hortense, "go take James to the dentistry."

* * *

"Ve've been vaiting een line fer hours! How long does eet take fer someone to buy a couple of guns?" Jo complained, looking at the long line of people in front of her.

"I don't know, but I'm having fun!" Camille said. When the queue moved up a step, she hopped forward in glee. "Woohoo! That's three steps in the past fifteen minutes! I say we are moving much quicker than last hour."

The line moved again, and hopped forward once more. "Woohoo!"

The gentleman in front of the two girls stared daggers at Camille. "Are ye gonnae do that every time we move?"

"Yep!" Camille said brightly, "Waiting in queue is my absolute most favorite thing to do."

The line didn't move any quicker, but two more "Woohoo!"'s and exclamatory shouts from Camille made a couple of people leave in annoyance.

"Vell, I guess zat's one vey to move to zee top of zee line." Jo remarked as Camille's loud exclaims got more and more people to leave.

* * *

Gustavo gave the disinterested teens sheet music to a new song.

Kendall scanned quickly scanned it, raising an eyebrow at its contents. "A love song?"

"Not jus' any love song, ya know." Gustavo said, "It's a love song about me homeland, Scotland!"

Carlos dramatically flung the sheet music to the ground, punctuating his next sentence. "This is horrible! Terribles escritura - the worst thing I've ever read!"

"Stop it with ye Spanish talk, ya know no one understands ye."

"Al menos yo no soy francés." Carlos said.

"QUIET!" Gustavo yelled, "Nae one's leavin' this spot until ye all learn this new song."

"If I may ask, who would stop us if we tried to leave, then?" Kendall questioned.

Gustavo shrugged. "Well, no one. But I know that ye be too puh-lite tah actually leave."

Kendall and Carlos looked at each other contemplating going against their stereotypes for once in their lives and actually walk out on their jobs. But no, they couldn't do it. Gustavo was right; they were both too polite to leave.

Carlos picked his song back up again. "Fine - I will sing your monstrosity against music."

"Let us chivvy along, Carlos. If we finish this soon, I'll be able to go back to the Sherwood Apartments and out Jo for the fake 'pureblood' she claims to be." Kendall said as he eyed the repulsive song's lyrics.

* * *

It only took James and Hortense three hours before the queue dissipated, letting the boys talk to the receptionist behind the dentistry counter.

To their surprise, the receptionist was none other than Katie Knight.

"Katie? What are jou doing here?" Hortense asked, "Doesn't this country have child labour laws?"

"Well, yeah, but this country has no rules against a scone stand." Katie said, motioning to the sign plastered on her table that read "Bloody good scones - five pounds each!" in large print.

"That eez way too much money for one scone!" Hortense gasped, "What are we - capitalist America?"

"Yeah, I'm disgrace to the English country, whatever, I've heard it all before. Buy a scone or leave the queue." Katie demanded.

James recognised that something was amiss. "Wait a moment." He started, "We were in the queue for scones this whole time? Hortense, you were supposed to take me to the dentistry!"

"I'm not so very good with ze driving." The other boy shrugged.

"But we walked here!" James said.

Katie quickly grew bored with the conversation and spoke once more. "The Do It Yourself dentistry is in the back of the Fun Fair, right next to my mum's Anti-America stand." She said, motioning behind her where other stands were located. "If you don't go now, I'll call the secret police on you."

The boys quickly left after that warning.

* * *

It took two more hours of practise, but by golly, the boys had the song down perfectly.

The choreography, the lyrics, and the presentation - they had it down pat.

The song wasn't any good, but they sure had it down pat.

"Alright, we've learned the song." Kendall said, "May we be excused, then?"

"Nae danger, we must wait for the others."

"But it's going to take them days to get here. Especially since Hortense can't drive and so they must travel by foot to this place."

"None o' ye be leavin' until ye all learn this song. End o' discussion, lads."

Carlos grimaced, then wiped that frown off of his face when he realised how un-sexy that was. He then had an idea. "Kendall," He said in a stage whisper, "What if we...leave?"

"Leave? Blimey, how unpolite!"

"But how unpolite will it be if I let that beautiful blonde bella go to bed tonight without a boyfriend?" Carlos asked. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. "Sometimes it is best to go against stereotypes! Adios." He gave a curt bow of his head before walking out of the room.

Gustavo yelled after him, but couldn't do anything to stop the retreating teen for there were no guards stationed about the area.

Kendall grappled with his conscious. Leaving without being excused would be highly unstereotypical, and he was normally above going against stereotypes. But the Sherwood Forest Apartments had a resident claiming to be pureblood when she wasn't - and Kendall needed to put a stop to that. The Knight family were the only purebloods living in the apartment complex, and to let Jo besmirch their good status by proclaiming to be pureblood as well was highly insulting.

He called out to his friend, "Carlos - hold off! I'm coming with you!"

* * *

"Woohoo!" Camille squealed as the line moved forward another step.

The man behind her grunted. "That's it!" He said loudly, catching the attention of the quiet and orderly queue around him. "This lass has been shouting exclamatory remarks for the past four hours and I have had enough!" He stepped out of the queue and walked a few steps forward so he could face the girl. "You must stay quiet!"

"Vat's all of zis?" Jo said, popping out two earplugs and looking at the strange man before her. She glanced at Camille, "Who's he?"

"He thinks I should 'stay quiet' while standing in queue." Camille informed.

The man nodded, "Children should be seen and not heard."

"Hey - you can't tellen her vat she can or cannot do." Jo told the man, "Only I can! Git yer own henchman."

Jo then suddenly raised her voice, catching the attention of all who was around her. "Queue skipper! Queue skipper! Zis man is trying to jump in queue!"

The man was jumped by no less than five secret policemen at that very second - the line started to boo the accursed 'queue jumper' as he was beaten with batons and the like before being dragged away.

"Oh, good show." Camille said, "And look - we're at the front of the queue!" She then pouted. "The fun part's over."

Jo smiled. "Vinally! Now I can buy some guns to vurther aiden in mein quest in taking over zee Sherwood Forest Apartments!" She went up to the lady behind the counter. "Frau, I vould like to buy a gun, please."

"Righto - that'll be fifteen pounds." The woman said, putting an...oddly-coloured gun on the counter.

"Is zis...a water gun?" Jo stated, picking the plastic children's toy up and inspecting it. She looked at Camille. "I vanted un real gun, not cheeldruns toy!"

"Guns aren't allowed in this country." Camille said, "So I took you to the next best thing."

"How is zis 'ze next best thing'?"

"Jo! Jo!" Came two very familiar voices. The girls looked back and saw Kendall and Carlos skipping the queue and running straight towards them. The people who were in the queue were greatly displeased by what was happening, but were too polite to do anything about it.

The boys started speaking simultaneously and in a hurried jumble.

"A lovely chica like you shouldn't - "

"You are _not _a pureblood because - "

" - a spicy Spaniard like me and a guapa German like you - "

" - should be imprisoned for lying and attempting to overthrow - "

" - hot tamales, and for dessert we'll have whipped cream - "

" - and 'Taylöch' isn't even a _real_ last name - "

"I don't like zese two." Jo said, not paying attention to either of the boys' frenzied speeches.

"They're okay." Camille shrugged.

Jo picked up the watergun and threw it at the boys. Kendall caught it by reflex and Carlos quieted down, looking at the watergun in slight curiosity.

Jo suddenly shouted, "Thieves! Thieves! Zese two boys jumped the queue and shtole a gun!"

Five members of the secret police showed up in a flash. "Guns are illegal in this country!" One of them shouted, "And so is stealing and jumping the queue!"

The guards then grabbed the two shocked boys and dragged them away from the scene.

* * *

"I can't believe there was no queue for the Do It Yourself dentistry." James said as he and Hortense left the Sherwood Fun Fair.

"I believe eet - half of jou people don't even have any teeth." Hortense replied.

James was about to offer a retort when five secret policemen appeared, a weird sight to see.

But what was even weirder was the fact that Kendall and Carlos were the ones being apprehended by the policemen. They watched the small, rowdy group walk by them in shock.

"Was that..." James trailed.

"Jes."

"Should we..."

"Well...jes, I suppose we should help." Hortense said, "They're our friends, I guess."

At that, the boys ran after the secret police, managing to track them down and bribe them into releasing Kendall and Carlos with some of Katie's bloody good scones that she generously donated to the police station for four pounds each.

By the time they got back to the Sherwood Forest Apartments, it was too late. Jo had already taken over the entire place. It was actually quite easy for her to do so - Mr. Bitters was a Frenchman and surrendered fairly quickly.

Tea time was still in action, but instead of crumpets and scones there was sauerkraut and bratwurst. Also, instead of serving tea, they served beer.

But the worst thing Jo did to the Sherwoods was stabilizing the vendor to buyer ratio. The queues now lasted no more than a few minutes at the most.

The Sherwoods was no longer a bright and happy place to live, and it was all thanks to Jo Taylöch.

...That is, until Kendall called the secret police on Jo and had her arrested for being rude, lying and running a dictatorship, course. After that, the Sherwood Apartments went back to normal, queues and all.

Big Time Rush still had to sing that blasted song that Gustavo wrote, however. And no one liked it, not even the Scottish.

* * *

**Xx**

**Haha, 'löve queue' sounds like 'love you', but our great overlord Jo Taylöch clearly doesn't love anyone.**

**I had this in my drafts, and since the first story went by okay, I decided to post this as well.**

**Please review with any criticisms and the like - remember that this is just a parody but if you think I did something completely bonkers, feel free to tell me!**


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